I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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