You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
