I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize