I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Randomize