I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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