You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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