That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
