If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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