are you still at the devil's house?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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