I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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