Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
