OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
