Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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