Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
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