I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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