last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
