If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
