did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize