i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
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