I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
