I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
