i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
