I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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