The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So I just went to clothing optional bar
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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