Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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