Barsexuality is the new black.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
