I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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