your parents love me but you hate me
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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