You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
