I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
