There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
