I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
