i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
