Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
