Where are you?
In a non slutty way
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
