STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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