im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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