You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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