I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
