just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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