So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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