I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
