Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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