Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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