my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
