$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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