We won't sleep together?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
