I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
