The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
