I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
