I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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