I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
