2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
