No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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