NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish you could order shots online.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
