Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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