I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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