nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
