get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
