Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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