And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize